9:52 p.m. - 2018-01-13
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So I want to text you: "now is not the time but some time soon I want to talk. Really talk."
I am thinking about things. And I want to be happy, but wondering, who is really happy? Can someone tell me for sure that they did the right thing? That they don't sometimes cry in brewery bathrooms and wonder what could have been? Do we all just accept that this is it or did I do it wrong?
Sometimes I try to forget you and I feel fine. Days or weeks or months go by and I think this could be fine. Maybe I was wrong. And then I see you again and we talk for a few hours and I hold your hand and suddenly everything was black and white but is now bursting into color.
So cliche but true. I spend the whole next day crying but so happy to be FEELING again even though I don't know what to do with it. It is not a good feeling. But real. And good to feel real.
And to you: I am a people pleaser and composed so many almost-texts:
"It's ok."
"I'm not mad but I don't want to talk."
And then I think about it more and it's fucking NOT ok. I am not mad you are together (hurt, yes, but we all knew that I would be and I could get past that and I have and I could and we all know I am not allowed to feel that way but I do and I thought you could be gentle. I gave you that opportunity. You said no.)
I am mad you didn't tell me. That I trusted you and you betrayed me. That I was open and vulnerable and whatever excuse you think you have is not good enough. And if you don't realize that you never really understood.

Fuck. 15 years later I'm still a fucking disaster. It doesn't always get better.

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